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I Haven’t Been Well Since That South African Chap Came to the White House, Says Donald Trump
Washington, D.C. — U.S. President Donald Trump has finally opened up about his recent health scare, blaming none other than South African President Cyril Ramaphosa for his condition.
In a press briefing held at The White House on Thursday evening, Trump dramatically declared, “I haven’t been well since that South African chap came to the White House. I think he brought something. Maybe it was in his handshake. It was a very strong, suspiciously strong handshake. Almost like a trap.”
Legs Swollen with Democracy
This comes just days after Trump’s medical team announced he had been diagnosed with chronic venous insufficiency — a condition affecting blood flow in the legs, and apparently, presidential pride.
“Before Ramaphosa arrived, my legs were perfect. Absolutely beautiful legs. Tremendous. Some even said they were the best presidential legs since Kennedy,” Trump said, slapping his thigh for emphasis. “But after he left? Boom. Swelling. Discoloration. My golf shorts don’t even fit right anymore.”
Suspicious Gift and Mysterious Biltong
According to unnamed Secret Service sources, Ramaphosa allegedly gifted Trump a mysterious packet of biltong and a wooden giraffe with a strange hum. The giraffe now sits silently in a box marked “Classified (Maybe Voodoo?)” at the CIA headquarters.
“I don’t know what was in that dried meat, but ever since I took a bite, I’ve been walking like a guy who skipped leg day for 50 years,” Trump whispered to reporters, visibly annoyed at having to wear compression socks during interviews.
The Oval Office Curse
Trump’s inner circle is reportedly concerned that the White House visit in February may have left behind “residual Ubuntu,” which has been confusing Trump’s immune system and causing him to speak in brief, reflective proverbs like, “If you want to go far, go alone. Or with Melania. Or maybe Jared.”
Former advisor Steve Bannon has proposed burning sage and playing Kid Rock backwards to reverse the alleged Southern African diplomatic voodoo.
Ramaphosa Responds
When asked to comment on Trump’s claims, President Ramaphosa chuckled and said, “Tell him to elevate his legs and drink rooibos tea. That’s what we do here.” He then added cryptically, “The spirit of Madiba moves mysteriously.”
Back at Mar-a-Lago
Meanwhile, Trump has started wearing custom red compression socks branded “Make Legs Great Again.” A new line of them is expected to launch on Truth Social next week, along with a “Biltong Detector” app allegedly powered by AI and Elon Musk’s cousin.
“I’ll recover,” Trump assured supporters. “But next time, no more foreign presidents unless they bring cheeseburgers or at least declare Florida as their twin province.”
Disclaimer
This article is satire. Donald Trump’s legs remain classified, and Ramaphosa has no known history of weaponized diplomacy — unless you count awkward pauses and national power outages.
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Kidnappers Took Loan With My Phone – Victim Recounts Ordeal
A woman has shared a disturbing account of her abduction in Abuja, detailing how kidnappers allegedly exploited her personal information during captivity.
According to her, she was kidnapped while going home in a bus and kept blindfolded for two days as her captors demanded a ransom of ₦5 million from her family and friends.
She further alleged that while she was still in captivity, the abductors accessed her phone and used it to download a loan application.
With her ATM card and identification documents in her possession at the time, they reportedly secured a loan of ₦148,000 without her knowledge.
The victim said she remained unaware of the transaction throughout her ordeal, as she was blindfolded and focused on pleading for her life.
She revealed that when she later found out and wrote to the loan app, they insisted she must pay off the loan.
“I was kidnapped in a bus in Abuja. They blindfolded my eyes for two days. Even after asking for ransom of 5 million from my family and friends, they took a loan. They downloaded a loan app on my phone, and I always carry my ATM card and my ID cards in my bag, so they used it to up the loan app and took a loan of 148 thousand Naira. I didn’t even know about the loan all the time I was there cause I was blindfolded and just begging for my life….” she partly said.
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Man Ends His Marriage After Finding Photographs Of His Wife With Another Man While Browsing Google Maps
A husband was left shocked and reportedly had to end his marriage after discovering photos of his wife with another man while using Google Maps.
The man was using Google Maps to plan a route before setting off on a journey when he noticed an image of his wife sitting on a bench, stroking the hair of another man whose head rested in her lap.
Captured by a Google camera vehicle in Lima, the Peruvian capital, the stunned husband said the photograph grabbed his attention because the woman pictured seemed to be wearing identical clothing to pieces his wife owned.
Although the photo dated back to 2013, the furious husband challenged his wife with proof of her previous betrayal.

The pair, whose identities remain anonymous, subsequently divorced after the woman confessed to having an affair.
In a twist of fate, she was photographed with her lover on a bench near the city’s Puente de los Suspiros de Barranco (Bridge of Sighs of the Ravine).
The husband recently posted the photographs on Facebook where they sparked considerable reaction amongst users.
One social media commenter, San Pateste, said: “What a small world it is… It would have been enough if she said to her husband that she did not love him any more.”
Guillermo Sanchez added: “Out of 100 women, 90 per cent are not loyal, the rest are loyal and only have one eye (hahaha) or are immortal (hahaha).”
Trending
Explosion injures soldier, NSCDC personnel in Imo
An Improvised Explosive Device, IED, explosion injured a soldier and a personnel of the Nigeria Security and Civil Defense Corps, NSCDC, in Orsu Local Government Area of Imo State.
A counter-insurgency and security expert in the Lake Chad region, Zagazola Makama, made this disclosure on X.
Makama disclosed that the incident occurred at about 8:35am on March 18 during a joint operation by troops of 34 Artillery Brigade in the Orsu general area.
According to the source, the personnel were operating around a suspected hideout of Indigenous People of Biafra, IPOB, and its armed wing, the Eastern Security Network, ESN, when they stepped on a concealed pressure-activated IED.
It noted that the device detonated, leaving both operatives injured.
“They were immediately administered first aid and subsequently evacuated to a medical facility for further treatment.
“Operations are ongoing in the area to dismantle criminal hideouts and enhance safety,” the source said.
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