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I Haven’t Been Well Since That South African Chap Came to the White House, Says Donald Trump

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Washington, D.C. — U.S. President Donald Trump has finally opened up about his recent health scare, blaming none other than South African President Cyril Ramaphosa for his condition.

In a press briefing held at The White House on Thursday evening, Trump dramatically declared, “I haven’t been well since that South African chap came to the White House. I think he brought something. Maybe it was in his handshake. It was a very strong, suspiciously strong handshake. Almost like a trap.”

Legs Swollen with Democracy

This comes just days after Trump’s medical team announced he had been diagnosed with chronic venous insufficiency — a condition affecting blood flow in the legs, and apparently, presidential pride.

“Before Ramaphosa arrived, my legs were perfect. Absolutely beautiful legs. Tremendous. Some even said they were the best presidential legs since Kennedy,” Trump said, slapping his thigh for emphasis. “But after he left? Boom. Swelling. Discoloration. My golf shorts don’t even fit right anymore.”

Suspicious Gift and Mysterious Biltong

According to unnamed Secret Service sources, Ramaphosa allegedly gifted Trump a mysterious packet of biltong and a wooden giraffe with a strange hum. The giraffe now sits silently in a box marked “Classified (Maybe Voodoo?)” at the CIA headquarters.

“I don’t know what was in that dried meat, but ever since I took a bite, I’ve been walking like a guy who skipped leg day for 50 years,” Trump whispered to reporters, visibly annoyed at having to wear compression socks during interviews.

The Oval Office Curse

Trump’s inner circle is reportedly concerned that the White House visit in February may have left behind “residual Ubuntu,” which has been confusing Trump’s immune system and causing him to speak in brief, reflective proverbs like, “If you want to go far, go alone. Or with Melania. Or maybe Jared.”

Former advisor Steve Bannon has proposed burning sage and playing Kid Rock backwards to reverse the alleged Southern African diplomatic voodoo.

Ramaphosa Responds

When asked to comment on Trump’s claims, President Ramaphosa chuckled and said, “Tell him to elevate his legs and drink rooibos tea. That’s what we do here.” He then added cryptically, “The spirit of Madiba moves mysteriously.”

Back at Mar-a-Lago

Meanwhile, Trump has started wearing custom red compression socks branded “Make Legs Great Again.” A new line of them is expected to launch on Truth Social next week, along with a “Biltong Detector” app allegedly powered by AI and Elon Musk’s cousin.

“I’ll recover,” Trump assured supporters. “But next time, no more foreign presidents unless they bring cheeseburgers or at least declare Florida as their twin province.”

Disclaimer

This article is satire. Donald Trump’s legs remain classified, and Ramaphosa has no known history of weaponized diplomacy — unless you count awkward pauses and national power outages.

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Bandits behind Ogbomoso school abduction will face full wrath of the law- President Tinubu

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President Bola Tinubu has condemned the reported “barbaric” killing of one of the abducted teachers from the Esiele community in Ogbomoso, Oyo state.

In a statement released issued by his media aide, Bayo Onanuga, on Monday, May 18, President Tinubu said the teacher was k!lled when “rescue operation is underway.”

While conveying his sympathy the government and people of the state, President Tinubu assured that security operatives are “working around the clock” to rescue the victims and arrest the bandits as well as their collaborators within the community.

He further assured that the federal government would collaborate with the state government to rescue the victims.

‘’”I am saddened by the reported killing of one of the teachers kidnapped by the gunmen who invaded the community. I sympathise with Governor Seyi Makinde and commend the steps he has taken on the matter. I sympathise with the families of the kidnapped victims.

The Federal Government is working with the Oyo State government to rescue all the victims. I commend the Inspector-General of Police and the Commissioners of Police in Oyo and Kwara States for their quick intervention and the deployment of a tactical and the Intelligence Response Team (IRT) team to rescue the victims.

The IGP, following my instructions, is personally leading the tech-driven operation. We expect a breakthrough soon. The bandits and all their local collaborators will be fished out and made to face the full wrath of the law.

Cases of kidnapping further make imperative the establishment of state police to man some of our underserved areas. The National Assembly should accelerate the enactment of the law creating state police” the President said

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OLD WINE IN A NEW BOTTLE: RULAAC CONDEMNS COSMETIC DISBANDMENT OF TIGER BASE IN IMO STATE

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May 14, 2026

The Rule of Law and Accountability Advocacy Centre (RULAAC) expresses deep concern over the decision by the Nigeria Police Force to disband the notorious “Tiger Base” in Owerri, Imo State, only to inaugurate another tactical police unit operating from the same facility, under substantially the same command structure and reportedly with many of the same operatives.

This development raises serious questions about the sincerity of ongoing police reform efforts in Nigeria and reinforces fears that what is being presented as reform may merely be a cosmetic rebranding exercise designed to deflect public criticism without addressing the underlying culture of abuse and impunity.

Tiger Base became widely associated with allegations of torture, enforced disappearances, arbitrary detention, extortion, and extrajudicial killings. Over the years, victims, families, lawyers, journalists, and civil society organizations documented disturbing patterns of abuse linked to the operations of the unit.
Ordinarily, the disbandment of such a notorious tactical outfit should have marked an opportunity for genuine institutional reform. It should have included:
– Independent investigation into allegations of abuse;
– Accountability for officers implicated in violations;
– Justice and reparations for victims;
– Structural reforms and strengthened oversight;
– Human rights-centered retraining and professionalization.

Instead, the establishment of another tactical formation under substantially similar conditions suggests continuity rather than reform.

RULAAC is particularly concerned that retaining personnel or leadership figures associated with serious allegations of abuse sends a dangerous message that misconduct within the policing system carries no real consequences. This undermines public trust, weakens accountability, and emboldens further violations.

The situation also raises broader concerns regarding political interference in policing. Tactical police units must never become instruments for political intimidation, repression, or the advancement of partisan interests. Professional policing requires operational independence, transparency, accountability, and strict adherence to constitutional and legal standards.

The controversy inevitably recalls the aftermath of the #EndSARS protests, when the disbandment of SARS was quickly followed by the creation of SWAT, generating widespread fears that abusive policing structures were merely being renamed rather than fundamentally transformed.

RULAAC reiterates that genuine police reform cannot be achieved through changes in nomenclature alone. Meaningful reform requires accountability, transparency, civilian oversight, institutional culture change, and justice for victims.

Accordingly, RULAAC calls for the following urgent measures:
1. A transparent and independent investigation into allegations against Tiger Base operatives and leadership;
2. Prosecution and disciplinary action against officers implicated in torture, unlawful killings, and other abuses;
3. Justice, compensation, and support for victims and affected families;
4. Strengthened civilian oversight involving the National Human Rights Commission, judicial institutions, and civil society organizations;
5. Clear operational guidelines and publicly accountable rules of engagement for tactical police units;
6. Measures to insulate policing from political interference and abuse.

The people of Imo State and Nigerians generally deserve a policing system founded on professionalism, legality, accountability, and respect for human rights – not the recycling of abusive structures under new labels.

Signed:
Okechukwu Nwanguma
Executive Director
Rule of Law and Accountability Advocacy Centre (RULAAC)

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Chaos As Military Officers Exchange Blows During Tinubu’s Visit To Bayelsa (Videos)

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Personnel of the Nigerian military were seen engaging in a fight during the visit of President Bola Ahmed Tinubu to Bayelsa on Friday.

In a video spotted on social media, the driver of a Hilux vehicle marked “Naval Police” was seen stepping down from his vehicle and exchanging words with another driver.

After returning to his vehicle, another driver with a rifle approached him and threw a punch at the Naval Police driver, triggering a brawl.

The incident quickly escalated into a free-for-all, with personnel attached to both vehicles exchanging blows, while stunned civilians watched in disbelief.

The cause of the altercation could not be immediately ascertained as of press time.

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