Washington, D.C. — U.S. President Donald Trump has finally opened up about his recent health scare, blaming none other than South African President Cyril Ramaphosa for his condition.

In a press briefing held at The White House on Thursday evening, Trump dramatically declared, “I haven’t been well since that South African chap came to the White House. I think he brought something. Maybe it was in his handshake. It was a very strong, suspiciously strong handshake. Almost like a trap.”

Legs Swollen with Democracy

This comes just days after Trump’s medical team announced he had been diagnosed with chronic venous insufficiency — a condition affecting blood flow in the legs, and apparently, presidential pride.

“Before Ramaphosa arrived, my legs were perfect. Absolutely beautiful legs. Tremendous. Some even said they were the best presidential legs since Kennedy,” Trump said, slapping his thigh for emphasis. “But after he left? Boom. Swelling. Discoloration. My golf shorts don’t even fit right anymore.”

Suspicious Gift and Mysterious Biltong

According to unnamed Secret Service sources, Ramaphosa allegedly gifted Trump a mysterious packet of biltong and a wooden giraffe with a strange hum. The giraffe now sits silently in a box marked “Classified (Maybe Voodoo?)” at the CIA headquarters.

“I don’t know what was in that dried meat, but ever since I took a bite, I’ve been walking like a guy who skipped leg day for 50 years,” Trump whispered to reporters, visibly annoyed at having to wear compression socks during interviews.

The Oval Office Curse

Trump’s inner circle is reportedly concerned that the White House visit in February may have left behind “residual Ubuntu,” which has been confusing Trump’s immune system and causing him to speak in brief, reflective proverbs like, “If you want to go far, go alone. Or with Melania. Or maybe Jared.”

Former advisor Steve Bannon has proposed burning sage and playing Kid Rock backwards to reverse the alleged Southern African diplomatic voodoo.

Ramaphosa Responds

When asked to comment on Trump’s claims, President Ramaphosa chuckled and said, “Tell him to elevate his legs and drink rooibos tea. That’s what we do here.” He then added cryptically, “The spirit of Madiba moves mysteriously.”

Back at Mar-a-Lago

Meanwhile, Trump has started wearing custom red compression socks branded “Make Legs Great Again.” A new line of them is expected to launch on Truth Social next week, along with a “Biltong Detector” app allegedly powered by AI and Elon Musk’s cousin.

“I’ll recover,” Trump assured supporters. “But next time, no more foreign presidents unless they bring cheeseburgers or at least declare Florida as their twin province.”

Disclaimer

This article is satire. Donald Trump’s legs remain classified, and Ramaphosa has no known history of weaponized diplomacy — unless you count awkward pauses and national power outages.