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I Haven’t Been Well Since That South African Chap Came to the White House, Says Donald Trump
Washington, D.C. — U.S. President Donald Trump has finally opened up about his recent health scare, blaming none other than South African President Cyril Ramaphosa for his condition.
In a press briefing held at The White House on Thursday evening, Trump dramatically declared, “I haven’t been well since that South African chap came to the White House. I think he brought something. Maybe it was in his handshake. It was a very strong, suspiciously strong handshake. Almost like a trap.”
Legs Swollen with Democracy
This comes just days after Trump’s medical team announced he had been diagnosed with chronic venous insufficiency — a condition affecting blood flow in the legs, and apparently, presidential pride.
“Before Ramaphosa arrived, my legs were perfect. Absolutely beautiful legs. Tremendous. Some even said they were the best presidential legs since Kennedy,” Trump said, slapping his thigh for emphasis. “But after he left? Boom. Swelling. Discoloration. My golf shorts don’t even fit right anymore.”
Suspicious Gift and Mysterious Biltong
According to unnamed Secret Service sources, Ramaphosa allegedly gifted Trump a mysterious packet of biltong and a wooden giraffe with a strange hum. The giraffe now sits silently in a box marked “Classified (Maybe Voodoo?)” at the CIA headquarters.
“I don’t know what was in that dried meat, but ever since I took a bite, I’ve been walking like a guy who skipped leg day for 50 years,” Trump whispered to reporters, visibly annoyed at having to wear compression socks during interviews.
The Oval Office Curse
Trump’s inner circle is reportedly concerned that the White House visit in February may have left behind “residual Ubuntu,” which has been confusing Trump’s immune system and causing him to speak in brief, reflective proverbs like, “If you want to go far, go alone. Or with Melania. Or maybe Jared.”
Former advisor Steve Bannon has proposed burning sage and playing Kid Rock backwards to reverse the alleged Southern African diplomatic voodoo.
Ramaphosa Responds
When asked to comment on Trump’s claims, President Ramaphosa chuckled and said, “Tell him to elevate his legs and drink rooibos tea. That’s what we do here.” He then added cryptically, “The spirit of Madiba moves mysteriously.”
Back at Mar-a-Lago
Meanwhile, Trump has started wearing custom red compression socks branded “Make Legs Great Again.” A new line of them is expected to launch on Truth Social next week, along with a “Biltong Detector” app allegedly powered by AI and Elon Musk’s cousin.
“I’ll recover,” Trump assured supporters. “But next time, no more foreign presidents unless they bring cheeseburgers or at least declare Florida as their twin province.”
Disclaimer
This article is satire. Donald Trump’s legs remain classified, and Ramaphosa has no known history of weaponized diplomacy — unless you count awkward pauses and national power outages.
Justice Maryam Aliyu Hassan of the High Court of the Federal Capital Territory sitting at Gwarimpa in Abuja has ordered that former Minister of Labour, Dr Chris Ngige, be kept at Kuje prison till December 18.
Ngige will be on remand till the date when his bail application would be decided by the court.
Justice Hassan issued the order on Monday shortly after taking arguments for and against the bail request of the former governor of Anambra State.
Ngige’s lawyer, Patrick Ikwueto, SAN, pleaded with the judge to admit the former minister to bail, mainly on health ground.
He submitted that the former minister would not jump bail or interfere with witnesses if admitted to bail.
However, the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, EFCC, represented by Sylvanus Tahir, SAN, vehemently opposed the bail request, insisting that Ngige was a flight risk.
Tahir told the judge that Ngige was granted administrative bail by the EFCC and allowed to travel abroad for medical care but never reported back to the Commission.
Besides, he said that the international passport released to Ngige; to facilitate the abroad trip was never returned till today.
The senior lawyer argued that it was when Ngige was re-arrested that he came up with a purported claim that he lost his passport.
He insisted that the claim of passport loss was an afterthought and should not be believed by the court.
After the submissions, Justice Hassan fixed December 18 to deliver ruling in the bail request.
Ngige was last Friday slammed with an eight-count charge bordering on corrupt practices.
News
Man whose marriage ended after 2 days speaks after his ex-wife claimed he caused it by asking for thr££some.
Bobby denied the allegations made by Uchechi Sandra Nnenne that her family sponsored their wedding which took place on Jan. 4, 2025.
According to Bobby, whom Sandra called Mr B in her story, he spent over N25million on their wedding.
He also denied Sandra’s claims that he kept borrowing money from her.
He sent LIB receipts of some credit alerts he made to Sandra’s account and others made to the accounts of vendors they employed for their wedding.
He also denied requesting thr££some from her. He said he called off the wedding on Jan. 15. He alleged he did this after finding out she was pregnant for another man. He accused her of getting pregnant for her boss. He did not provide evidence to back this allegation.
https://www.instagram.com/p/DSShW11DMnq/?img_index=8&igsh=bDRkNzBsZXV4YXJq
Sandra also didn’t provide evidence to back her allegations. (Check her claims in previous post).
A young woman allegedly gave birth to a baby boy and k!lled the newborn shortly after delivery in Gboko Local Government Area of Benue State.
The disturbing incident reportedly occurred in the early hours of Sunday, December 14, 2025 behind Government Secondary School, Gboko, throwing the community into pandemonium and mourning.
Residents are calling for immediate police intervention to investigate the circumstances surrounding the incident and ensure justice is served.
Authorities are yet to issue an official statement as of the time of this report.
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