Connect with us

Trending

I Haven’t Been Well Since That South African Chap Came to the White House, Says Donald Trump

Published

on

 

Washington, D.C. — U.S. President Donald Trump has finally opened up about his recent health scare, blaming none other than South African President Cyril Ramaphosa for his condition.

In a press briefing held at The White House on Thursday evening, Trump dramatically declared, “I haven’t been well since that South African chap came to the White House. I think he brought something. Maybe it was in his handshake. It was a very strong, suspiciously strong handshake. Almost like a trap.”

Legs Swollen with Democracy

This comes just days after Trump’s medical team announced he had been diagnosed with chronic venous insufficiency — a condition affecting blood flow in the legs, and apparently, presidential pride.

“Before Ramaphosa arrived, my legs were perfect. Absolutely beautiful legs. Tremendous. Some even said they were the best presidential legs since Kennedy,” Trump said, slapping his thigh for emphasis. “But after he left? Boom. Swelling. Discoloration. My golf shorts don’t even fit right anymore.”

Suspicious Gift and Mysterious Biltong

According to unnamed Secret Service sources, Ramaphosa allegedly gifted Trump a mysterious packet of biltong and a wooden giraffe with a strange hum. The giraffe now sits silently in a box marked “Classified (Maybe Voodoo?)” at the CIA headquarters.

“I don’t know what was in that dried meat, but ever since I took a bite, I’ve been walking like a guy who skipped leg day for 50 years,” Trump whispered to reporters, visibly annoyed at having to wear compression socks during interviews.

The Oval Office Curse

Trump’s inner circle is reportedly concerned that the White House visit in February may have left behind “residual Ubuntu,” which has been confusing Trump’s immune system and causing him to speak in brief, reflective proverbs like, “If you want to go far, go alone. Or with Melania. Or maybe Jared.”

Former advisor Steve Bannon has proposed burning sage and playing Kid Rock backwards to reverse the alleged Southern African diplomatic voodoo.

Ramaphosa Responds

When asked to comment on Trump’s claims, President Ramaphosa chuckled and said, “Tell him to elevate his legs and drink rooibos tea. That’s what we do here.” He then added cryptically, “The spirit of Madiba moves mysteriously.”

Back at Mar-a-Lago

Meanwhile, Trump has started wearing custom red compression socks branded “Make Legs Great Again.” A new line of them is expected to launch on Truth Social next week, along with a “Biltong Detector” app allegedly powered by AI and Elon Musk’s cousin.

“I’ll recover,” Trump assured supporters. “But next time, no more foreign presidents unless they bring cheeseburgers or at least declare Florida as their twin province.”

Disclaimer

This article is satire. Donald Trump’s legs remain classified, and Ramaphosa has no known history of weaponized diplomacy — unless you count awkward pauses and national power outages.

Continue Reading
Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Entertainment

2Baba Cries Out For Help in Now Deleted Instagram Post

Published

on

 

This morning, 2Baba posted “Help Me” on his Instagram stories, but less than 20 minutes later, the message vanished.

For the past few days, his relationship with his current wife, Senator Natasha Osawaru, has been under serious scrutiny, as a series of public incidents have surfaced and fuelled widespread speculation about the state of their marriage.

His cry for help should not be taken lightly. But who will answer him?

Will it be his family, his close friends, or the entertainment industry that has benefited from his legendary career?

At this point, one thing is clear. The music icon seems to be calling for real support and those around him cannot afford to look away.

 

Continue Reading

Trending

BREAKING: Unknown Gunmen Attack Gov. Otti’s Advance Team In Imo, As Scores Were Kidnapped From A Bus Along Owerri-Road Road

Published

on

An advance team of Abia State Governor, Dr. Alex Otti, escaped unhurt after unidentified gunmen opened fire on their vehicle in the early hours of Tuesday, December 2, 2025, along the Umuowa–Ihite axis in Imo State.

The three-member team was en route to Sam Mbakwe Cargo Airport, Owerri, when the attack occurred shortly before the airport junction.

In a statement electronically signed by the Chief Press Secretary to the Governor, Mr. Ukoha Njoku Ukoha, the Abia Government clarified that Governor Otti’s main convoy was not involved in the incident and was nowhere near the location at the time.

“The convoy of His Excellency, Dr. Alex Chioma Otti, was not attacked. No member of the advance team or any other person sustained injury, and no life was lost,” the statement stressed, urging the public to disregard rumours suggesting otherwise.

It was learned that Security agencies have been notified, and investigations are underway to identify and apprehend the assailants.

Meanwhile, a commercial bus plying along Owerri -Aba road towards the Ngor Okpala axis was attacked Monday and scores of passengers were feared kidnapped by yet-to-identify gunmen.

Continue Reading

Trending

Gunmen attack Ngige’s convoy in Anambra

Published

on

 

The convoy of former Minister of Labour and Employment, Senator Chris Ngige, was attacked by gunmen in Umuoji, Idemili North Local Government Area of Anambra State.

Ngige who confirmed the incident to newsmen, stated that he was not in the convoy when the attack occurred. He mentioned that several people were shot and injured.

“I was not in the convoy. I’m still alive and well. Those hoodlums have started again. I came to my state to relax, but what happened is unfortunate. I will go back to Abuja. But I assure those who did this, they will not go unpunished.” he said

The vehicles were reportedly returning from a mechanic workshop in Nkpor when the gunmen struck along the busy Umuoji–Nkpor Road leading to Alor, Ngige’s hometown.

According to Mr. Fred Chukwulobelu, Ngige’s former Special Adviser on Media, a policeman in the pilot car was shot, and the attackers, dressed in police and army uniforms, took away his gun and uniform.

He also confirmed that a woman filming the incident was fatally shot. He added that a shop owner who rushed out to see what was happening was also shot; he lost significant blood and is scheduled for surgery, but is expected to recover fully.

The pilot car was riddled with bullets, while the wounded escort leader has undergone surgery and is also expected to recover.

Meanwhile, the Anambra State Police Command said it has launched a state-wide manhunt for the perpetrators.

Continue Reading

Trending